Spoiled Brat

I know this is a very touchy subject, and I realize what I'm asking for is a foolproof solution, which there probably isn't one. But I really, really need your help. I'm at my wits end with this kid. And there is seemingly nothing I can do about it. HELP

My nephew, let's call him Frank, is out of control. He is really a very sweet boy; he's just never, ever been disciplined. EVER. His parents (my in-laws) think . . . well actually I don't know what they're thinking, or how they could even be okay with his behavior.

Like I said before, he really has a very sweet disposition, and his parents are lucky he does or he'd be a real hellion. To get the full effect of this story lets go back 2.5 years.

Frank is 16 months old. I am 4 months pregnant with Googie. Franks idea of a fun game is to grab a toy and hit you in the face with it. Franks parents think the solution to this problem is to have faster hands so you can deflect the wildly swinging toy. One day Frank decides to play this game with me. He does it once, I ask him to stop. He does it twice and I leave the room. He follows me to the next room, hits me a third time and I take the toy away. Frank screams bloody murder, everyone runs into the room and I'm the one in trouble for not "letting him have any fun" and taking the toy away.

Fast forward 6 months. Frank is now almost two years old and we're at a family reunion. We all go out to eat together, Googie is 7 weeks old. We end up sitting across the table from Frank. He decides to throw forks at my 7 week old baby. I move with Googie to the other end of the table. In the 30 minutes it takes to get our food he's knocked over two water glasses (purposefully from what I can tell), spilled sugar packets all over the table, dumped coffee creamer in his mom's hair, and threw one huge fit because his dad didn't get him his own plate. Franks parents reaction, he's two what can you do? When we try to say something to them, nicely of course, they tell us, you just wait until you have a two year old, you'll see.

One year later, we live three hours away from them, and they come to visit all the time. Frank is 3, Googie is 1. We try to plan activities with them, but they're never on time because they do everything according to what Frank wants. He wants to stop at the McDonald's on the side of the road, they do. He wants to watch a movie and they take two hours and sit down so he can. Frank never has to share his toys with anyone, and he can take which ever toy he wants, no matter who's playing with it. He can have whatever he wants when he wants it. He sets his own bedtimes, and that's usually around midnight. Frank doesn't nap anymore, because he "just won't" but every day at 2:00, and again at 6:00, he has a melt down. He throws a huge fit every time he doesn't get his way. He kicks and screams until he gets his way. He pushes Googie, who is just learning to walk, and laughs when she falls down and cries. His parent's reaction "FRANK" they yell his name. Sure that scares him the first three times, but after that . . .

Fast forward another year and you're all caught up. Frank is 4 now. They only live 30 minutes from us. He has a baby sister, poor thing. He still doesn't share. His fits have gotten even bigger. Franks parents are starting to realize that he's out of control, but they're not willing to commit to discipline. Let me give you an example:

Last night. They showed up at our house unexpected. Googie had just woken up from her nap, and she's excited to see Frank, don't ask me why. He immediately comes into our house and tells her which of her toys she can and cannot play with. He chases Googie around, and is always in her face. He throws toys at his sister and at Dot. He won't stop when you ask him to. He won't eat his dinner, but he will definitely have a cookie, and who's there to stop him. His parent’s reaction? "Frank! You Stop that RIGHT NOW, or we're going home!!!" Do they ever go home? Nope. Never. This isn't just a bad day. This is every. single. time they come over.

I try to let them just handle they're own child the way that they want to. But when they are at my house, there are rules, and I expect him to follow them. For instance, at our house we sit down at the table when we eat food, or have drinks without lids. I tried discreetly to hint at that fact "Googie, you need to sit at the table, everyone sits at the table at our house" (hint hint parents, sit your kid down) and when that didn't work I told him directly "Frank, at my house we sit at the table with our drinks", and you know what his mom said "Sorry hunny, this isn't a fun house like our house, you have to sit down here."

Last night I finally lost it with him. Googie was trying to play a song for me on her keyboard, which she loves to do. He came in and said "No she can't!" and then flipped the keyboard over (it was on the floor, he just turned it upside down). He didn't even want to play it. He just wanted to tell her she couldn't. Googie starts bawling. I grabbed him by the arm (he was trying to run away to the rule free sanctuary that is his parents’ presence) and I said, in the meanest voice I could muster, "Frank, if you can not play nice with Googies toys, I will not let you play with them." He defiantly responds "No you can't." I got down to his level, held him by the shoulders so he had to look directly in my eyes and said "You will not come back to my house if you can't play nice." Then I sent him out of the room.

Maybe I was a little harsh, but it was just the straw that broke the camel's back. He played nice with Googie and avoided me the rest of the night.

I feel bad for the poor kid most of the time. He has no idea that what he's doing is wrong because nobody (except me) has ever told him. He has never had any boundaries. But he is still a brat. And I just can't tolerate that kind of behavior. When we're in public with them I tell myself over and over again "he's not my kid, he's not my problem." I dread hanging out with them.

Any, and I mean ANY, time we try to bring up the problem with his parents there is one of three responses "Just wait until Googie is ________ years old, then you'll see" (by the way she's past two of these ages, and she's still well behaved, is it possibly because she gets in trouble for doing something wrong?), "He's just a boy, you don't know how hard boys are", or "It's just a phase, he'll grow out of it." His parents are in denial and I'm at my wits end. I avoid hanging out with them whenever I can, and especially when my DH isn't around.

So here's where you all come in. What can I do, short of calling super nanny, to help get this kid on the right track? To help him learn what's appropriate. He's 4 years old; he's more than old enough to understand. And if that's not possible, what are some ways to deal with it when I can't avoid my brother and sister-in-law. Any stories (successes or failures) of how you handled similar family situations? Anything will help. I am truly desperate!