Emotional Roller Coaster

Happy due date to me,
Now where's this ba-by?
She needs to come swift-ly,
Happy due date to me!
(sung to Happy Birthday to You)

Yes people the day has arrived. The expectant day that will come and go without the appearance of our new arrival, or the shrinking of my oh so huge bump. YEAH!

The past couple of days have been so hard on me. Emotionally and physically.

On Wednesday, August 30th I woke up feeling less rested than usual (if that's even possible), and very flu-ish. I had no appetite, and a really low dull backache. That night around 8:00 PM I thought my water broke and we went into labor and delivery to get checked out. Obviously, since I'm still pregnant, my membranes were still intact. I don't understand how that's possible. I stood up and . . . well I don't want to gross you out too bad . . . but . . . I know where it came out of me (it was not pee!), I know what it felt like (discharge is not a likely possibility, though according to my nurse sometimes it can get runny towards the end??? I had not heard that one before), and I know what it smelt like (NOTHING! It was like smelling water). Anyway, the hospital test came back negative, but while we were waiting for the test results I started having contractions. Really REALLY hard contractions that started out at 3 minutes apart, and by the time the nurse came back (30 minutes later) they were down to a minute and a half apart. She checked my dilation and it was at 3 cm. So we stayed for an extra hour, I got up walked around, and tried to get my muscles to relax. After an hour, they were still 90 seconds apart, but I hadn't dilated anymore. So the nurse gave us the choice to stay or leave. She said that since a) I hadn't dilated anymore, b) we live 10 minutes from the hospital, and c) I am really, really trying to avoid pitocin this time around, we were fine if we wanted to head home and wait for the contractions to get stronger and longer before we came back. So we decided that coming home was probably the best choice, because we would at least be able to relax and try to sleep in our own bed. The contractions spaced themselves out about 45 minutes after we got home, and acted more like the ones I've been having for the past three weeks. So my husband headed to bed, and I tried to sleep too, but just couldn't. I fell asleep twice and got a total of 2 hours of sleep. Between the intermittent contractions, and the emotional let down of not coming home from the hospital with a baby, I could not get to sleep.

Thursday, August 31st I was an emotional wreck all day. I hadn't had any sleep. Hadn't eaten a real meal since Tuesday night, and that dull backache was back again. My wonderful husband stayed home from work which was sooo helpful because it let me get a little sleep, and I didn't have to deal with a needy 23 month old all day. I think I cried most of the day, and really didn't know why or what about. I mean, I was disappointed we didn't have our baby home yet, but most of the time I would just start crying, and couldn't tell you why. It was a crappy day. I forced myself to eat, even though I felt nauseous all day. I tried to sleep, but it was almost like my body was going into shock. I couldn't get my muscles to relax, I kept shaking. I cried myself to sleep both times I finally got there, and woke up an hour later not feeling any better. It really was one of the worst days of my life. I finally fell asleep that night after a hot shower and a warm cup of cran-apple herbal tea.

So that brings us up to today. I was surprised when I woke up and it was actually morning. I hadn't even had to get up to pee (guess I'm a little dehydrated). I finally feel rested, and the antsy feeling is gone out of my stomach.

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While we were at the hospital Wednesday night they were having trouble tracking the baby's heart beat on the regular stomach monitor because of her arrhythmia. So at my doctors appointment today we discussed the possibility of having to do a c-section. I'm scheduled for an induction on next Tuesday. We'll go in, they'll break my water and try attaching a heart rate monitor directly to her scalp. Because there won't be as much interference noise the monitor may be able to pick up her heart beat. If the monitor can't pick it up, we will need to do a c-section for two reasons: the fact that they can't monitor her heart means that they won't know if she is under too much stress, and her arrhythmia could get worse during labor to the point that they would need to do a c-section anyway.

So I'm having another rough emotional day today. This heart condition was never really discussed before and dismissed as benign and nothing to worry about. So when they came back today and said we might need a c-section, that worries me. I'm worried something might be wrong with her, or go seriously wrong during the delivery. I'm also worried about maybe having to have a c-section myself. I realize that hundreds of people do it, and a lot of them even elect to do it, but it scares me. It's still surgery. I'm not worried about the scar, I'm worried about the recovery time. I'm worried about being able to take care of Googie. I'm worried about being able to get up to my apartment. I'm worried about trying to take care of two kids. I'm worried about nursing. It's just so much easier to give birth vaginally, whatever the pain you go through over the course of labor. This is just a big maybe that really has me worried.

But then again, I might not even need to be worried. Maybe they'll break my water and attach the little electrode, and everything will be just fine. And maybe it won't.